No Need to Defend Your Point of View
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When you have let go of the need to defend your point of view to others, you are in a state of defenselessness. In Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, defenselessness is the third component of the Law of Least Effort which states that “it is human nature to make our dreams manifest into physical form, easily and effortlessly”.
In the world we live in, so much time is spent trying to defend our point of view. Letting go of that need was pretty hard for me to do at first. I was an arguer. I just had to get the “one up” or last word in an argument, and when I didn’t it caused an incredible amount of anger or it made me want to keep arguing until I did get that last word in. After reading some spiritual growth books I became aware that those heated arguments were purely ego driven and that I didn’t have to argue if I didn’t want to. It takes at least two to argue. After that realization, things began to change. While in the midst of arguments I would catch myself and immediately begin to calm down. Now I’m at a point where those intense arguments don’t come up at all. Though there are still disagreements and there will always be disagreements, heated ego-driven arguments don’t happen because I don’t allow them to. It feels so good to know I don’t have to deal with that anymore. Since letting go of that need, I’ve saved so much stress and anger and used that energy in much more productive ways. Also when you don’t have these ego-driven arguments, it allows you to get to the root of a problem much faster because you’re not spending so much time and energy creating resistance.
Moving Past Defense
Even though you might not have the need to argue or defend your point of view, sometimes you want others to take another point of view purely out of compassion. You might want to help them reach their desired results or adopt a viewpoint that is more empowering. For example, if a person has a scarcity mindset you might want to show them that having an abundance mindset could be much more beneficial for them. If your actions are truly driven by compassion and you want to change another persons viewpoint, is arguing really the most effective way to do that? Is cramming your viewpoint down their throat going to help anything? Arguing creates resistance and leaves both parties angry. If you really want to influence, then there are several ways to do that (I’ve been experimenting with some which I’ll write about in later posts) but you would have to focus on what you want – influence. Not ego gratification through winning an argument.
It could work the other way around as well. If you’re so attached to your particular point of view, you leave no alternative and cut yourself off from the opportunity of experiencing different viewpoints that could be possibly be more empowering to you.
Do you need to defend your point of view? Do you have intense arguments? Do they add stress to your life? Understand that you don’t have these heated arguments or the stress and anger they bring with them. Many times they begin unconsciously, but with enough effort they can consciously not begin.
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Hi Broderick, I have the same issue with needing to defend my point. As I grow older it gets easier to let go (lack of energy to fight? ;)) but still that ego barges in occasionally. Great post on reminding us to let go of the need to always be right and have the last word.
Hi Broderick,
In the heat of the moment, it is easy to “fight” to defend your view. I’ve gotten much better at this over the years. And have come to believe that arguing rarely helps to get a point across. It only tends to make the other person more defensive. I find that if there is any way I can peacefully get my viewpoint across, it will be much better received. Great point you’re making here today Broderick!
Hey Daphne – Thank you for the feedback! I want to say that the need diminishes with age, but I don’t think I can. I’ve seen a lot of older people who still are extremely defensive. So far, it seems like that need diminishes with awareness.
Hey Lance – Yeah it comes down to focusing on what you want. You want them to receive your viewpoint, but arguing is just going to push them away. Thanks and I appreciate you stopping by!
Hi Broderick. That’s great that you have made such huge strides in this area. Makes a big difference, doesn’t it! These are really great thoughts.
I used to struggle with this as well, and while I’m certainly not anywhere near perfect at anything, the need to defend myself rarely comes up any more. Things that helped me the most were learning a huge dose of humility, listening skills (realizing that others just really just want to be heard), and recognizing that I can learn a lot from others. Something that really helped me was learning proper assertiveness techniques. It allows me to FIRST listen and THEN state my needs in a very non-defensive way. If I don’t get my needs met then that’s ok. At least we have both been heard. It’s not even always necessary to state my needs – sometimes I can just listen. Mostly people really just want to be heard.
Hey Jennifer! I’m glad you brought up listening skills. I’m just now starting to realize how important listening is and how much I still have to learn about it. Thank you so much for stopping by Jennifer!
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